This will be personal. For those of you who follow this blog, you know that I am a Christian and believe in God. That my faith plays a role in my life. That I want to publish Christian Romance novels one day.
I have been a selfish, spiteful woman for a number of months now. I have felt entitled, prideful and bitter. I was angry and didn’t speak to God for months.
Earlier this week, I had a phone interview. A few times I’ve mentioned struggling with the job search ever since graduating from college in 2016.
Today, I heard back.
I share this because I did something different. I prayed and said to God no matter what happens, I will trust You. I woke up this morning in a grumpy mood and I wasn’t sure why. Sometimes, but not often, I have a feeling. Some call it women’s intuition, some a gut feeling and others whatever they will. I just had a feeling deep down that I did not get the job.
I was right.
Was I frustrated? Yes. Was I disappointed? Yeah, definitely. Was I sad?
No. Instead, I was relieved. I know it’s difficult to explain but when I found myself crying, it was because I had received confirmation that God was still here in my life. I calmed down reading, out loud, in my bedroom prayers from this book I found at Barnes and Noble a couple weeks ago. It’s called The Right Prayers for Every Need. I began flipping through the topics before bed the past couple of nights, reading one or two out loud. I started this past Sunday actually when I woke up looking like an absolute nightmare with dark circles under my eyes, my hair an absolute mess…and feeling depleted. Defeated. Worn out. Tired.
That’s when I started going through the prayer book. I began to feel differently with each one I read: prayers when dealing with disappointment, feeling frustrated or overwhelmed and experiencing sorrow.
For those who read my post reflecting on 2016, you know I was not in a good place then either. Angrier than I am now. Stubborner. Entitled.
This week, those feelings began to disappear. I entrusted my will to God and let Him lead the way…and what happened today confirmed He has heard me.
I’m not going to lie to you. When things don’t go our way, whether it’d be with relationships, a book that doesn’t do well, not winning a writing contest, a change of plans, financial issues coming up when all goes well and not leaving fast enough and so on, it’s easy to blame others and ourselves. It’s easier, I think, to blame God whether it’d be the petty things to the very serious. I am guilty of that, doubts and all. Even reaching a point last year and earlier this year questioning my faith and wondering if God really cared…or existed at all.
I have no clue where my life will go and, frankly, since finishing college I’ve had no idea. Even with planning, hoping, and doing I still don’t know.
All I can do is take things a day at a time.
Keep writing and be you.