I know it has been two weeks since my last post, and I apologize for that sudden disappearance and hiatus. One part was embarrassment and self-doubt because of the current situations in my personal life, a lack of inspiration and feeling, once again, hopeless and I wasn’t impacting people with my words and thoughts and…as I’ve begun to realize, a sense of loss.
Everyone who has read this blog is aware I have been struggling with a difficult job search since graduating from college in 2016. You are all also aware of my faith in God. I try my very best not to preach or share too much because I don’t wish to alienate readers who may be of a different religion, or none at all, than I am.
The past few weeks I put my reading of A Thousand Acres by Jane Smiley on hold so I could focus on career reference books. Some anecdotes the books had were useful, others a refresher and a few sections that didn’t fit my current situation and were skipped. I also found certain exercises helped me better understand myself and interests such as the Wandering Map exercise from You Majored in What? Mapping Your Path from Chaos to Career by Katharine Brooks, ED.D.
But one section caught my eye this morning from the 2016 edition of What Color is Your Parachute? by Richard Bolles. The section was near the end in the Blue Pages or Appendix: “A Guide to Deal with Your Feelings While Out of Work.”
That jumped out at me immediately even though I skimmed some of what was said, until I reached the area about religion. How many of us have discovered a section dedicated to religion in a book about job searching? Probably not a lot.
With many things, I have felt my faith has been waning for many months now, my love for writing was one of the things I was losing heart with as well. The section in the Blue Pages talked about rethinking your faith opposed to abandoning it. As I read the paragraphs, I paused here: “A faith that thinks God is responsible for our unemployment, and He could have and should have prevented it, needs to grow up. It is too small a faith. It has too small a God” (296).
I have joked to friends I am “o ye of little faith” because I doubt and give up so easily when things go wrong in my life. That passage hit close to home for me. The following page contained a chart comparing a healthy religion and an unhealthy religion through gratitude and guilt, viewing the world as us or us v. them and the desire for God’s forgiveness and vengeance.
My energy has been spent, my faith feeling, frankly, small. I think if you take out unemployment, anyone can apply that passage to an unanswered prayer in their life, including writing. Feeling God is responsible for our story being rejected, a book not selling well, a writing habit falling apart. Writer’s Block too.
I have lost direction for many months and it’s been hard, hurting my heart and soul and my passion. Please know you are not alone if you are going through the same emotions right now.
I hope things will change soon, and my faith will become stronger once all is set and done. Opportunities are coming my way. I just have to take it a day at a time.
Please forgive me if I do not get to my Book of the Month pick for June. I’ll make up for it as I’ve done before.
Be kind to yourself and take time to breathe, because that’s how you find clarity, and hope, in your dreams and life again.